fuck

i faked someone's death today and it got me nowhere. life lesson #1: never ever, ever make yourself dependent on someone else for any emotion. don't let anyone make you sad, or happy. and every emotion in between. it just leads to pain. i have a headache and i'm slightly drunk, so i'm being pretty fucking pessimistic right now. what the fuck is wrong with me. i've done something a few weeks ago even i would have said was pathetic and fucking crazy. and for what? silence. i need to make some serious life choices. am i going to be a child or an adult? am i going to be embittered or rise above that? am i going to keep holding this grudge that is ruining my life? i wanna say nooo no no but it's harder than just saying no. it takes change and people don't change. where the fuck does that leave me. i feel like the absolute worst shit and i just want to die

i got on the dreaded black hole myspace tonight/this morning. the only people that use this anymore are the ones i shouldn't be "friends" with like ian and tara. looking at tara's pictures, her life is so different than mine and yet so the same as these bitches we are all supposed to want to look like. it's like, those two have always been opposite- the freaks and the preps or whatever right? but they are out there in college doing the same things. and i am just 'here' like always. sitting on the sidelines watching. i am 7 on the pH scale. i am neutral. they are 14 and people like nikki and the preppy bitches are 1. why can't i for once fit in with either of them??? i think they are both great fantastic people but here i am stuck in the middle with fucking no one. i guess that is my lot in life so to speak. anyway i got distracted going on a little tangent. the thing is, tara had some pictures of her and dru on there. and just seeing his face takes me right fucking back. he hasn't changed at all. except perhaps he isn't so fresh faced anymore. a little darker somehow. but his smile and all of that is exactly the same. reminding me of just how much i never fit into that crowd. it triggers sad memories of wanting to so badly but never quite being there. anyway. i just feel moments of regret once in a while when i realize the life i'm missing out on. both sides. i would go to either, if i could be accepted somewhere. but i never really am. typing is complicated with fake nails

So I thought I might have been pregnant for a while but I've finally come to accept that my period wanted to be late this month. Fantastic. Feelings: oddly empty. Whatever. I'll get over it. My right kidney has been hurting like nonstop the past 3 days and Emi says I probably have diabetes just like her sister. I don't want to go to health center and get it checked cuz i don't want to deal with that. If i pass out or die so be it. You know. I feel like fuck. There is no way I have enough cigarettes to get thru Wednesday and mom found out about my overdraft fees today. I feel like a sick, spoiled financially incompetent brat. I will never say balancing your checkbook is easy again because it's not. I really need to go to bed.

Tuesday is last day of classes then Thanksgiving break aka a shit ton of time away from everyone. We are all bursting at the seams to get away from one another. It will be nice. No fucking classes. They are starting to get to me especially now that I have more or less been going to all of them. I will have to remember to take my comforter with me because it is always cold at home.

Cynthia fucking texted Jonathan today what the fuck. She wanted to see if he would give her a ride to Vincennes this weekend. What an idiot. She should have asked me first and I would have told her that one he would never do it for her and two he lives like an hour out from here now anyway. He called her back wanting to know who it was and she said Cynthia and he said oh that one girl's roommate. Just being an ass. I hate him. I..................have conflicting emotions but above that my body hurts and I'm sooOOooO tired of it

swine flu!!!! and other unhappy things

so today I find out that someone told my RA about me smoking pot in the room. pretty sure it was cynthia but who knows... idk if she is that good of an actress and she seemed surprised. I am just freaked out. I haven't smoked in a couple weeks, so that is good although pot has a half life in your system of some months so.. and apparently i can be drug tested or have my room searched at any time. Which is no good. I gave emily my pipe and the salvia, just to have that shit out of my possession. But that also presents the new problem of if they search the room they will see sheldon and that will just be more shit to take care of. aaaah. i just hope that my mom doesn't find out about the fact that someone has been alerted of my pot smoking. and i'm happy that my ra is pretty cool about it, and obviously i'm going to stop so hopefully it will just work out.

In other news, i feel like fuck. i have this nasty nasty nasty cough and the past couple days i have just woken up at random times and started hacking up a lung which is what my mom does and it's no good. that combined with the fact i'm literally out of money is pretty good incentive for me to stop/actually cut down on smoking. i'm just tired and bleh. I hope i don't have h1n1 but i probably do. oh well

more fantastic news for today, apparently i overdrew by like eleven dollars on my checking account so now i owe 39.00 and if i don't pay it off in three days it is 8+ dollars a day. and mom just put like 100$ in there like 2 weeks ago. so i was going to not spend money for a while and then tell her i needed more, so it seemed more reasonable, but now i have to tell her i spent it all and have her pay this off. son of a fucking bitch.

and also i have to get 100%s on everything absolutely everything in bio to get a C- by the time the semester is over. FML

and possibly worst of all, i have a distinct feeling i am gaining weight. which is the last thing i need to be doing and i can't deal. everything is tight and i feel bloated and sick and disgusting. and ugly. and FAT. bleh. i will fast.

halloween weeeekend!

So I haven't slept all night, because again Abby was over all nite and whatever. I have to go to bio in bout 2.5 hours which is also the rough amount of time I have to study my bio notes and download some new music to my iPod (hopefully). But that's not what I want to talk about.

This weekend was fucking fantastic and I won't deny it eva eva eva. As long as I live I will look back fondly on this weekend. Mkay.
10/30:
Friday was alright. Abby, Emily, and I stayed up all night at my apartment which was fun because usually Emily doesn't stay over. I drank the rest of my alcohol and we saw some drunk people on the way back from Emily's and we watched Party Monster, etc. Emily passed out on my floor and Abby went home. Right after Abby left, I got on my laptop and found a Facebook event page for the Phi Delt party for Saturday and was like, oh snap. So I send this Jeremy kid a Facebook message asking if I could go and he said yeah and gave me his number so I could get directions. I was pissy at Abby so later I woke Emily up told her he invited me more or less then I called Cara telling her. Me and Emily walk over to Abby's round 130 and tell her and she decides not to go to IU and stay and come to the party with us.

10/31:
Happy Halloween!! Cara rounds us up and takes us to Kohl's to spend some gift card and get a costume perhaps around 630. I am in rare form being all silly and happy and me and Abby are being children chasing each other around etc and we had just calmed down when my phone rings and who in the world should it be but Jonathan. He wants to know if I got him fired from his job and I tell him obviously no and I got the vibe he wanted a fuck but I had better things to do. I just cut it off and hung up (foreshadowing). So anyway I dress up as Michael Jackson, Emily is some kind of masquearde vampire, Cara was an angel and Abby was a gangster. We get there and this party is fucking insane. Crooked cops there keeping the peace and keeping us under the radar, beer and some kind of alcoholic juice out the ass, dance floor and music so loud you couldnt talk, people packed in like sardines. Great. I pretty much did D. all of the above, and got drunk within the first hour or so we were there and was wasted by midnite. Not very sophisticated I know, but hey go big or go home. Sparing a few grisly details, I fell outside once and took Abby with me, I kissed two boys (Preston and Devin) and danced my MJ ass off. I had just found Chase sweet sweet Chase haha when apparently some drunk guys got in a big fight and we all got kicked out. We get back to my apt. and Emily got pissed off and left go figure, Cara passed out on the couch then left and Abby went home.

11/1
Today, or yesterday now I suppose, I woke up around 330(pm) and am kind of being a lazy little hungover girl but I only have one cig left so I call Cara and talk about the party then ask me if she will drive me to get cigs (someone at the party last nite stole half my pack, i swear!) anyway she says something about Katie driving her to Aldi because we are apparently having a dinner party later and I'm like uh ok so I text katie asking her to take me with to get cigs, then Emily shows up here. So me emily, katie and hannah go to aldi and then the gas station. We get back and Cara comes over we are all hanging out, Abby is still sleeping. So everyone is here except Abby and Cynthia who is at some church thing. Anyway I go out to smoke and decide I have a semi legit reason to call Jonathan back and apologize for drunk dialing him last night. hah. So I do and we talk for a freakin half hour and I ask him of course to come over and he wont and I just wasn't even upset I was just like whatever and he's telling me about his job and right before I hang up I'm like ok well when you are interviewing for jobs just be nice be a good boy don't get weird and mysterious like you do just be sociable, etc. So he's like mhm ok and I say bye and he says bye. So I'm thinking that's going to be the end of it and I'm like well whatever at least I got the last word I guess and taking advantage of the fact I wasn't upset surprisingly. So i'm walking back upstairs and into the apt when my "take my breath away" ringtone starts ringing again and i'm like wtf! and it's just like they say, I literally wasn't thinking or hoping at all he would call back why would I ever expect that from him and there his call was. He asks me what we're having for dinner and I tell him and he says he will come over. And he did. And everyone was more or less good about it. Katie and Hannah gently excused themselves to go give food to their respective bf's and when Katie got back she just kind of ignored him and went away to her room. We hung out in my room for about 2 hours or so, the length of Drag me to hell which they all watched. We talked about stupid things and mostly I just did things for him and he held my head in his hand and I just didn't even feel awkward really because I honestly didn't care as I did before, I wanted him for sex and I got it and yeah. Then it was over and Cara didn't want to walk home because it was so cold and late so I was like "hey jonathan, will you take cara home she doesn't want to walk" and he said yes and did it and i came along not because i was clingy but because cara asked me to come and i did and he came back to my apt and im like are you coming back up and he thought about it for a minute and said no its late already past midnite and i said alright well thank you for taking cara home and returning me safely and he said something like yes and i said mkay bye and he said bye and i skipped upstairs and i looked down and he is looking at me so i give him a little circle wave and he waves and doesn't move so i just wave again and kind of hop and put my foot up and then go inside. and in the bedroom, he said something. he mentioned since he has met me he has seen 4 or 5 girls with my "little button nose. but..." but WHAT? they don't look as cute? idk. but i am loving it! mmmm!!now i have to work on my freakin bio f f f f f!!! it's going to be a long next 4.5 more hours!!

so many woooordsss

so for once, as emily would say, I am going to wear my heart on my sleeve. More or less. No deep dark secrets. But I am going to say exactly what I feel, no allusions, no cloudy references, no awkward thoughts of protecting whoever may or may not read it. Fuck them. What a nice little preface, I know.

At the moment, I feel tired and depressed and thoughts are building in my head like they do right before I cry but I probably won't cry. I usually don't let myself go like that. I so love crying though it is the best feeling almost an orgasmic release. I am in such an optimistic mood after I cry, I really go to town and get it all out. Abby and I went over to check on Emily, which I'm pretty sure was Abby's excuse to go talk to Bonnie about coming to this party Bonnie was going to tonight because Emily was asleep on the couch and Abby didn't even take a second fucking look at her.

We go in Emily/Bonnie's room and there is Bonnie and Abby sits down right away flattering flattering her like a good little bitch trying to finagle her way into something. Bonnie wasn't really having it though. idk I can't read social situations for shit, perhaps Abby wasn't subtly asking and perhaps Bonnie wasn't subtly saying no. Anyway I have no problem talking to Bonnie, or anyone. I don't really know what it is. I ............hmm. I think for one I am jealous of Bonnie for being pretty and being independent and having things work out for her, whereas I am not pretty and I have no confidence to be independent. And I will admit, I am jealous of her. She's sweet she's cute she's nice I get it. I shouldn't resent her for being alive and being herself but I am. I am jealous envious all of those nasty words.

And I am jealous that Abby has SOO many friends and I feel like she is always rubbing it in my fucking face. We went to the same high school, we grew with the same people but look at her and look at me. Yes I get it. I get it. And she hates it here because it's SOO boring and basically we are SOO boring and we're not the right kind of people to keep her entertained she needs her old friends and big parties and alcohol and we aren't good enough blah blah. And I can't even deal with it because she is the only person I can even stomach hanging out with right now. She wants popularity. Which who am I kidding, I want it too. I can't talk though. I am a defect. I have a defect. I have no self. I am empty. And it honestly offends me that while we are sitting in Bonnie/Emily's room, they are talking and I am just sitting there holding my egg and they are talking about these things I have never been a part of and Abby just asks Bonnie to go to IU with her. What is that? When has she ever asked Emily or Cara or me to come? I am just so tired of all the people I had to deal with for middle school and high school and I love being away from Plainfield and all those people who saw too much of what I was what I am and she is just a constant reminder, talking about all the people I never fit in with

I was so good the first few weeks, so happy on my little cloud and Jonathan, and I felt like things were different and I was needed and wanted and different changed new etc. Then reality set in and I don't know how to change my reality to make myself happy and it depresses me it seems like I always come back to the same things when I am depressed it is always the same things that bring me down. I wish I could talk to people without using big words and seeming superior and I wish I wasn't so self-concious about everything. I don't seem self concious probably, but I am. Without someone or a group with me, I can't talk to people one on one. Even someone I am friends with. I want to think of things to say but I get nervous and I say random things or I say bitchy things and I don't even know how to explain it but I feel this pressure a really big pressure to say the right thing which, what is the right thing? But it is never what I say. And so I come off bitchy and obnoxious and stupid and pretentious probably. I don't know. Sometimes I just hate myself for that. I don't know how to change so the only people I end up being friends with are these people who get my awkwardness more or less, like Emily and Cara. Probably because they have had someone in their life who is like me, i would guess, so they understand me to an extent. Or maybe they hate and resent me like I do them, and they have just settled in this depressing routine as I have. I aspire for better things but I will never have them. For so many reasons. This makes me want to give up and kill myself or just drop out of school and hitchhike somewhere and live by myself. I can't really survive without people, but I'm so good at being by myself.

Also I think the only reason that Abby and I have been getting along so well is because I am laying the effort on really thick to umm perhaps the word is flatter her because she is the only one who isn't getting on my last fucking nerve and it's because she doesn't expect anything from me it's because she is only here in passing it's because she could leave tomorrow and not even look back and I am fucked up and that is the type of person I gravitate towards because I have abandonment issues i know i know it's no good but it's the truth and so I attach and I cling and surprise they leave and I get hurt. And she is putting up with me, because I am being so flattering and such an entertaining friend and I'm laughing at her jokes which is honestly what she wants, to feel liked and to have people affirm she is funny.

And in all honesty, Cara and Emily are the ones I should be gravitating towards because they actually care about me but instead I am isolating them. That's life I guess, fucked up fucked up fucked up. Oh yeah, and I smashed the egg

[boringg]

mm. so i'm in my living room, nested. abby left about an hour ago. i was falling asleep and now i'm awake and watching american beauty. I love the soundtrack to this movie and just the plot and storyline in general. It's a great film. i am happy, because tomorrow I have no class. And I have no class on Tuesdays until November 9th. which means there is one more Tuesday of no class. Oh the movie has just gotten to the part where Kevin Spacey is shot. It's a beautiful movie. brilliant. brillllliant.
Today was a reasonably good day. I slept slept slept in and skipped biology (and unwittingly skipped my new p.e. clas which had started today). I had a quiz in History, so i forced myself up and onto that class. I talked to my teacher and she said I can turn in my late yet very important essay Wednesday with more or less no penalty. huzzah. Then I went to the library and dear Cara let me use her flex money to print out my papers for English, but when I went to English Mrs. Goodloe had cancelled class today. yay.
I had my strange muscle aches that i get once in a while today, pretty bad. They start in my knees, and the pain sort of radiates up and down my legs. Same for my elbows, and I had a headache all day. Later on we ate, then abby cara and i went to Emily's flag football game and WalMart, and then the four of us and Cynthia were at my apt, and we were down at Cara's friends apartment, who was very interesting and cool but I started feeling horrid which was strange because i had felt better for a while so I said something and went upstairs. I went to get some ibuprofen and as soon as i swallowed them I just got the urge to hurl and hurl i did. mostly dry heaving that made my eyes and throat sore. everything i had eaten was digested. I don't know.
Later on Emily and I smoked salvia while abby chilled with us, and then emi went home and abby and i started american beauty, now here we are. the credits are playing. I am hot.
I have made myself a flimsy promise not to smoke pot for a while. Alcohol and pills I can handle, although I think I will stay away from pills too, because I have the tendency to eat them like candy. Pot just stays in me too long, makes me feel tired and lethargic and laze about. Which is fun, but having bad effects on my schoolwork, which if you hadn't forgotten (i'm remembering), is why i'm here. and i have a D in biology which is telling me I need to jump on it. Jump on the ball.
Good news, i'm in a better mood today despite being sickly. I'm happy at the moment, more or less. as happy as i can be on my own. whatever that means