so many woooordsss

so for once, as emily would say, I am going to wear my heart on my sleeve. More or less. No deep dark secrets. But I am going to say exactly what I feel, no allusions, no cloudy references, no awkward thoughts of protecting whoever may or may not read it. Fuck them. What a nice little preface, I know.

At the moment, I feel tired and depressed and thoughts are building in my head like they do right before I cry but I probably won't cry. I usually don't let myself go like that. I so love crying though it is the best feeling almost an orgasmic release. I am in such an optimistic mood after I cry, I really go to town and get it all out. Abby and I went over to check on Emily, which I'm pretty sure was Abby's excuse to go talk to Bonnie about coming to this party Bonnie was going to tonight because Emily was asleep on the couch and Abby didn't even take a second fucking look at her.

We go in Emily/Bonnie's room and there is Bonnie and Abby sits down right away flattering flattering her like a good little bitch trying to finagle her way into something. Bonnie wasn't really having it though. idk I can't read social situations for shit, perhaps Abby wasn't subtly asking and perhaps Bonnie wasn't subtly saying no. Anyway I have no problem talking to Bonnie, or anyone. I don't really know what it is. I ............hmm. I think for one I am jealous of Bonnie for being pretty and being independent and having things work out for her, whereas I am not pretty and I have no confidence to be independent. And I will admit, I am jealous of her. She's sweet she's cute she's nice I get it. I shouldn't resent her for being alive and being herself but I am. I am jealous envious all of those nasty words.

And I am jealous that Abby has SOO many friends and I feel like she is always rubbing it in my fucking face. We went to the same high school, we grew with the same people but look at her and look at me. Yes I get it. I get it. And she hates it here because it's SOO boring and basically we are SOO boring and we're not the right kind of people to keep her entertained she needs her old friends and big parties and alcohol and we aren't good enough blah blah. And I can't even deal with it because she is the only person I can even stomach hanging out with right now. She wants popularity. Which who am I kidding, I want it too. I can't talk though. I am a defect. I have a defect. I have no self. I am empty. And it honestly offends me that while we are sitting in Bonnie/Emily's room, they are talking and I am just sitting there holding my egg and they are talking about these things I have never been a part of and Abby just asks Bonnie to go to IU with her. What is that? When has she ever asked Emily or Cara or me to come? I am just so tired of all the people I had to deal with for middle school and high school and I love being away from Plainfield and all those people who saw too much of what I was what I am and she is just a constant reminder, talking about all the people I never fit in with

I was so good the first few weeks, so happy on my little cloud and Jonathan, and I felt like things were different and I was needed and wanted and different changed new etc. Then reality set in and I don't know how to change my reality to make myself happy and it depresses me it seems like I always come back to the same things when I am depressed it is always the same things that bring me down. I wish I could talk to people without using big words and seeming superior and I wish I wasn't so self-concious about everything. I don't seem self concious probably, but I am. Without someone or a group with me, I can't talk to people one on one. Even someone I am friends with. I want to think of things to say but I get nervous and I say random things or I say bitchy things and I don't even know how to explain it but I feel this pressure a really big pressure to say the right thing which, what is the right thing? But it is never what I say. And so I come off bitchy and obnoxious and stupid and pretentious probably. I don't know. Sometimes I just hate myself for that. I don't know how to change so the only people I end up being friends with are these people who get my awkwardness more or less, like Emily and Cara. Probably because they have had someone in their life who is like me, i would guess, so they understand me to an extent. Or maybe they hate and resent me like I do them, and they have just settled in this depressing routine as I have. I aspire for better things but I will never have them. For so many reasons. This makes me want to give up and kill myself or just drop out of school and hitchhike somewhere and live by myself. I can't really survive without people, but I'm so good at being by myself.

Also I think the only reason that Abby and I have been getting along so well is because I am laying the effort on really thick to umm perhaps the word is flatter her because she is the only one who isn't getting on my last fucking nerve and it's because she doesn't expect anything from me it's because she is only here in passing it's because she could leave tomorrow and not even look back and I am fucked up and that is the type of person I gravitate towards because I have abandonment issues i know i know it's no good but it's the truth and so I attach and I cling and surprise they leave and I get hurt. And she is putting up with me, because I am being so flattering and such an entertaining friend and I'm laughing at her jokes which is honestly what she wants, to feel liked and to have people affirm she is funny.

And in all honesty, Cara and Emily are the ones I should be gravitating towards because they actually care about me but instead I am isolating them. That's life I guess, fucked up fucked up fucked up. Oh yeah, and I smashed the egg