the end

so i'm crying right now. for the first time in a few months really. i've been depresed i've been sad but this is the first time it's all come crashing down at once. so much overdue homework. i feel like maybe i don't want to let anyone get close i wish i could feel normal. i know i know what is normal? but normal to me would be not confused about everything and having priorities in order and not procrastinating and not being ugly and not being stupid and not being lazy and not being mean and not having issues i can't take care of myself and not needing to use drugs as an escape. there aren't enough drugs in my world to let me escape. i am lost i am lost no one is looking for me i don't even want to be found i want to die because what is my life who would be sad no one would be sad some would be sad like my mother and possibly my father but everyone else's sadness would be surface sadness and they would say how sad and come to my funeral and say or rather think, how bitter and mean and unappealing i was in life and how they weren't friends with me because there was just something about me that said decay that said don't come near me there was something in my voice that hinted at thoughts of my superiority or how i didn't think they were worth my time and it's true it's so true but i know i'm not superior and i want to think they're worth my time i want to be able to converse with someone i like or want to make a good impression with wihtout freaking out and overthinking it and coming off rude and superior and affected and stupid. i want people to see the real me but there is no real me. i am just a body. i stopped being myself a long time ago and i don't know howto get back and i am lost lost lost. i want to know what to do with my life i want everyone to see i'm a good girl i'm ashamed of my tatoo and my piercing around my family because i don't want them to think that's me but it is but is it? i don't know. i don't regret them but they are just two more random mismatched things ive done to myself in an attempt to fit in. i would love to have friends and to be able to be nice and relatable but i don't know how i am stuck inside my own head i can't relate all i can do is make judgements and be cynical. i am incapable of love. i am incapable of compassion. sometimes i put on a good mask of one or two but it is just that, a mask. abby will not come back over tonight and how can i blame her i am sitting on my bed having a breakdown. emily won't come over cara won't come over jonathan won't come over. anyone i possibly would want to see is far away and unattached to my fucked up self. i wish i was a person i wish i was human i wish i was happy sometimes. i wish i loved someone i wish i wasn't a horrible horrible thing.