self-denial

so abby was here at the apartment until about seven this morning. No comment. I have not been asleep all night and I feel fine. There is this tea, called Morning Thunder that is more or less crack in a cup and I am awake. I'm not AWAKE but i'm certainly awake. I want to keep drinking and see how far I can push myself. I think I am developing real problems. I think I have had real problems for a long time, hidden inside, and I am beginning like so many pumpkins to rot from the inside out. I am repeatedly in my head going back to the time mere months ago when I was sneaking out every night to hang out with Ash and Ethan and smoke smoke smoke. It was such a thrill and such fun. And Zach. Awkward Zach and A+E trying to set up awkward Zach and me. And smoking. smoking. In Ashley's driveway at 3, 4, then 5 in the morning. Watching numbly as things fell down around me. Becoming even more lethargic. Tricking myself into thinking I meant something because I was smoking weed and hanging out with a boy. Telling myself that was what I wanted in life, regardless of the fact the weed was shit and I was already out of money. Then I got arrested and it all broke open and spilled out like candy from a pinata. Then my 'dry spell' for the three months before my freshman year in college. As soon as I got off of probation I ran to Blake absolutely ran to him, to get the weed. To get what I desperately (cautiously, I told myself) wanted to get back into. At first it was alright, maybe once a week or something. In fact I didn't smoke any of it the first few weeks I was too lonely. Then I met Emily and Cara, two other girls trying to prove something to themselves. And here I am now. It feels like a lot. I am taking pills again, on and off. I am smoking so much pot and I am flailing. I don't tell myself to stop because I have some kind of unconcious (it's surfacing) death wish. I always take things a step further than others. I am always the one to go there, to do that. To say that, to be the one to call something out. Do I seem ruthless? Do I seem brave? Do I seem stupid? Whatever. I can't see myself and we've all thought we're everything at one point