fuck

i faked someone's death today and it got me nowhere. life lesson #1: never ever, ever make yourself dependent on someone else for any emotion. don't let anyone make you sad, or happy. and every emotion in between. it just leads to pain. i have a headache and i'm slightly drunk, so i'm being pretty fucking pessimistic right now. what the fuck is wrong with me. i've done something a few weeks ago even i would have said was pathetic and fucking crazy. and for what? silence. i need to make some serious life choices. am i going to be a child or an adult? am i going to be embittered or rise above that? am i going to keep holding this grudge that is ruining my life? i wanna say nooo no no but it's harder than just saying no. it takes change and people don't change. where the fuck does that leave me. i feel like the absolute worst shit and i just want to die