self-denial

so abby was here at the apartment until about seven this morning. No comment. I have not been asleep all night and I feel fine. There is this tea, called Morning Thunder that is more or less crack in a cup and I am awake. I'm not AWAKE but i'm certainly awake. I want to keep drinking and see how far I can push myself. I think I am developing real problems. I think I have had real problems for a long time, hidden inside, and I am beginning like so many pumpkins to rot from the inside out. I am repeatedly in my head going back to the time mere months ago when I was sneaking out every night to hang out with Ash and Ethan and smoke smoke smoke. It was such a thrill and such fun. And Zach. Awkward Zach and A+E trying to set up awkward Zach and me. And smoking. smoking. In Ashley's driveway at 3, 4, then 5 in the morning. Watching numbly as things fell down around me. Becoming even more lethargic. Tricking myself into thinking I meant something because I was smoking weed and hanging out with a boy. Telling myself that was what I wanted in life, regardless of the fact the weed was shit and I was already out of money. Then I got arrested and it all broke open and spilled out like candy from a pinata. Then my 'dry spell' for the three months before my freshman year in college. As soon as I got off of probation I ran to Blake absolutely ran to him, to get the weed. To get what I desperately (cautiously, I told myself) wanted to get back into. At first it was alright, maybe once a week or something. In fact I didn't smoke any of it the first few weeks I was too lonely. Then I met Emily and Cara, two other girls trying to prove something to themselves. And here I am now. It feels like a lot. I am taking pills again, on and off. I am smoking so much pot and I am flailing. I don't tell myself to stop because I have some kind of unconcious (it's surfacing) death wish. I always take things a step further than others. I am always the one to go there, to do that. To say that, to be the one to call something out. Do I seem ruthless? Do I seem brave? Do I seem stupid? Whatever. I can't see myself and we've all thought we're everything at one point

macncheese

i'm high. and cynthia talked me and emily into walking to emi's apt to get milk to make macaroni and cheese. she makes it and sets out 4 bowls for me emily abby and herself, because abby wanted some. so we get our bowls and i go into katie's room and katie is like give me a bite and i reach one up to her and she's like give me another bigger bite and i get a huge forkful and have to keep the bowl under it b/c pieces are falling off and i reach up there and she takes my bowl of mac and cheese. That bitch. I am high with munchies already irritated b/c she is making me share, and she won't give it back. i put a little force behind it and she wouldn't let go so i knew if i kept on it it was going to go errywhere. anyway i just let go and i'm like a little pissed but i don't know if its going to be an overreaction to get all out pissy so i'm just like fine whatev and i'm like "fine just take it!" in a playish voice i guess and i start walking out and i turn around and throw the fork at her and it hits the wall pretty hard and hannah is like aah and i'm like srsly just take it! and i go out and lay on the couch. it kind of freaks me out because usually i don't get that angry bout shit but that just set me off, perhaps because of the dishwashing thing earlier and cuz im high, but that's what worries me... is that how i act? is that what i'm becoming? ah. idk. i'm so high and we are going to wally world with cynthia.

dishess

exact facebook conversation between cynthia and i:
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Cynthia

well if I get my bio homework done before health I will be going back and sleeping, since I didn't sleep last night

oh yeah if you go back any time soon you need to wash all the dishes, except mine

10:13amShannon

says who

10:14amCynthia

Katie, and if you do it today you won't have to listen to her telling you to do them every day

plus there really isn't much to wash, it is only bowls and silverware
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i text katie and ask her, what did you say to cynthia about me doing the dishes and she calls me and sounds all askew, backtracking saying what what and anyway i read the convo to her and she's like well yeah hannah and i were talking and she overheard, etc. etc. so basically yes that is what was said but she didn't expect cynthia to tell me. anyway basically she is being anal and i'm being lazy. whatev.

coffee

so i haven't slept for literally 24 hours now which won't get me into the guinness book of world records, but which is a personal accomplishment. I'm really just so exhausted. My brain is slow and murky but my body is fast and fidgety and my resting heart rate (on average as of earlier) is 105. what the eff. i am at the apartment now after a scary trip to the UC with cara to eat lunch. we had sooo much coffee. and weed. and more coffee. then a lil more weed. anyway we met katie mallory and mark there and had brunch. then me n cara got starbucks (i should say i got starbucks,  cara didn't get anything-mine = pumpkin spice latte w/ 6 shots of espresso) anyway i am about to have a heart attack from the neck down and my brain is about to go into a coma. we went over to try n wake abby up but that was ages ago. anyway i come home and i'm in the living room i pick up cara and i's huge mess from the night last night previous night when we sat in here and ate coffee grounds for hours and did random shit and here i was trying to do my h/w when cynthia who is in my room texts me saying just fyi katie has mark in the bedroom with her. then i'm like oh ok. then like 15 seconds later katie's door locks and more or less i heard panting noises and cloths being removed noises and i am like deeply disturbed. i got like a 1/81th of what i needed to get done done, but honestly that threw off what little concentration i had and then it was facebook and here to write another blog its like heroin i just can't stop. anyway anyway oh god i'm going to go attempt to lie down. i will probably die of either a. a heart attack or b. a long term coma. either way shit's goin down and i don't give a fuck as long as i'm unconcious as soon as possible.

choices choices choices

so it is 10:32 pm right now. cara, abby, cynthia, katie and i are in my living room of the apartment. cara is skyping her friend chad who she has a crush on sort of and blah blah.we watched borat and now we are watching spice world, anyway normal night normal night. boring ish. then at 9:56pm jonathan david finch texts me for the first time in weeeeeeks at least a few asking "how's my little princess doing?" and i freak. and i ask everyone what i should say and tell them and they all have the basic reaction of no just ignore it leave it alone. but of course i never listen to reason and i text him back. after the general consensus of noo ing me i have enough free will and brain of my own to text him back, but i am a bitch (that is the taint of my friends on my thoughts) and i say "well i don't know how your princess is, but i'm alright." or something of that general response. andddd it's bout been an hour and he never texted back. what what what. we facebook chatted and i thought he well it seemed as though he acknowledged me as a thinking being. meh. whatever. probably one of my delusions of grandeur! can i say i'm just mellow as can be at the moment. i am so happy i am bleeding out of my lady parts. my mood. maybe its just like a placebo to me, the fact it's finally started. that would be appropriate seeing as i'm a pillhead, that things are placebos to me. yes. anyway anyway anyway. i just want him to text me back. but if he doesn't. i'll live. " you've never really expressed such appreciation for my godhood as long as I was present. " that is something he said to me and i go and text him something bitchy. why if i ever wanted him back would i do that? its not like i am a fucked up housewife of an abusive husband making excuses for him being a dick. i am fully aware that quote is unreasonable. but i agree. and i want him to be god to me. if he would treat me like a fucking disciple i would treat him like god. but. he doesn't so why should i? i'm as close as the end of this blog to texting him again more or less begging him to text me back. something that begs for a response. something that will capture his attention and make him interested in me. something that will win him over? something something something that will change both of us into the perfect couple. yeah. right