so many woooordsss

so for once, as emily would say, I am going to wear my heart on my sleeve. More or less. No deep dark secrets. But I am going to say exactly what I feel, no allusions, no cloudy references, no awkward thoughts of protecting whoever may or may not read it. Fuck them. What a nice little preface, I know.

At the moment, I feel tired and depressed and thoughts are building in my head like they do right before I cry but I probably won't cry. I usually don't let myself go like that. I so love crying though it is the best feeling almost an orgasmic release. I am in such an optimistic mood after I cry, I really go to town and get it all out. Abby and I went over to check on Emily, which I'm pretty sure was Abby's excuse to go talk to Bonnie about coming to this party Bonnie was going to tonight because Emily was asleep on the couch and Abby didn't even take a second fucking look at her.

We go in Emily/Bonnie's room and there is Bonnie and Abby sits down right away flattering flattering her like a good little bitch trying to finagle her way into something. Bonnie wasn't really having it though. idk I can't read social situations for shit, perhaps Abby wasn't subtly asking and perhaps Bonnie wasn't subtly saying no. Anyway I have no problem talking to Bonnie, or anyone. I don't really know what it is. I ............hmm. I think for one I am jealous of Bonnie for being pretty and being independent and having things work out for her, whereas I am not pretty and I have no confidence to be independent. And I will admit, I am jealous of her. She's sweet she's cute she's nice I get it. I shouldn't resent her for being alive and being herself but I am. I am jealous envious all of those nasty words.

And I am jealous that Abby has SOO many friends and I feel like she is always rubbing it in my fucking face. We went to the same high school, we grew with the same people but look at her and look at me. Yes I get it. I get it. And she hates it here because it's SOO boring and basically we are SOO boring and we're not the right kind of people to keep her entertained she needs her old friends and big parties and alcohol and we aren't good enough blah blah. And I can't even deal with it because she is the only person I can even stomach hanging out with right now. She wants popularity. Which who am I kidding, I want it too. I can't talk though. I am a defect. I have a defect. I have no self. I am empty. And it honestly offends me that while we are sitting in Bonnie/Emily's room, they are talking and I am just sitting there holding my egg and they are talking about these things I have never been a part of and Abby just asks Bonnie to go to IU with her. What is that? When has she ever asked Emily or Cara or me to come? I am just so tired of all the people I had to deal with for middle school and high school and I love being away from Plainfield and all those people who saw too much of what I was what I am and she is just a constant reminder, talking about all the people I never fit in with

I was so good the first few weeks, so happy on my little cloud and Jonathan, and I felt like things were different and I was needed and wanted and different changed new etc. Then reality set in and I don't know how to change my reality to make myself happy and it depresses me it seems like I always come back to the same things when I am depressed it is always the same things that bring me down. I wish I could talk to people without using big words and seeming superior and I wish I wasn't so self-concious about everything. I don't seem self concious probably, but I am. Without someone or a group with me, I can't talk to people one on one. Even someone I am friends with. I want to think of things to say but I get nervous and I say random things or I say bitchy things and I don't even know how to explain it but I feel this pressure a really big pressure to say the right thing which, what is the right thing? But it is never what I say. And so I come off bitchy and obnoxious and stupid and pretentious probably. I don't know. Sometimes I just hate myself for that. I don't know how to change so the only people I end up being friends with are these people who get my awkwardness more or less, like Emily and Cara. Probably because they have had someone in their life who is like me, i would guess, so they understand me to an extent. Or maybe they hate and resent me like I do them, and they have just settled in this depressing routine as I have. I aspire for better things but I will never have them. For so many reasons. This makes me want to give up and kill myself or just drop out of school and hitchhike somewhere and live by myself. I can't really survive without people, but I'm so good at being by myself.

Also I think the only reason that Abby and I have been getting along so well is because I am laying the effort on really thick to umm perhaps the word is flatter her because she is the only one who isn't getting on my last fucking nerve and it's because she doesn't expect anything from me it's because she is only here in passing it's because she could leave tomorrow and not even look back and I am fucked up and that is the type of person I gravitate towards because I have abandonment issues i know i know it's no good but it's the truth and so I attach and I cling and surprise they leave and I get hurt. And she is putting up with me, because I am being so flattering and such an entertaining friend and I'm laughing at her jokes which is honestly what she wants, to feel liked and to have people affirm she is funny.

And in all honesty, Cara and Emily are the ones I should be gravitating towards because they actually care about me but instead I am isolating them. That's life I guess, fucked up fucked up fucked up. Oh yeah, and I smashed the egg

[boringg]

mm. so i'm in my living room, nested. abby left about an hour ago. i was falling asleep and now i'm awake and watching american beauty. I love the soundtrack to this movie and just the plot and storyline in general. It's a great film. i am happy, because tomorrow I have no class. And I have no class on Tuesdays until November 9th. which means there is one more Tuesday of no class. Oh the movie has just gotten to the part where Kevin Spacey is shot. It's a beautiful movie. brilliant. brillllliant.
Today was a reasonably good day. I slept slept slept in and skipped biology (and unwittingly skipped my new p.e. clas which had started today). I had a quiz in History, so i forced myself up and onto that class. I talked to my teacher and she said I can turn in my late yet very important essay Wednesday with more or less no penalty. huzzah. Then I went to the library and dear Cara let me use her flex money to print out my papers for English, but when I went to English Mrs. Goodloe had cancelled class today. yay.
I had my strange muscle aches that i get once in a while today, pretty bad. They start in my knees, and the pain sort of radiates up and down my legs. Same for my elbows, and I had a headache all day. Later on we ate, then abby cara and i went to Emily's flag football game and WalMart, and then the four of us and Cynthia were at my apt, and we were down at Cara's friends apartment, who was very interesting and cool but I started feeling horrid which was strange because i had felt better for a while so I said something and went upstairs. I went to get some ibuprofen and as soon as i swallowed them I just got the urge to hurl and hurl i did. mostly dry heaving that made my eyes and throat sore. everything i had eaten was digested. I don't know.
Later on Emily and I smoked salvia while abby chilled with us, and then emi went home and abby and i started american beauty, now here we are. the credits are playing. I am hot.
I have made myself a flimsy promise not to smoke pot for a while. Alcohol and pills I can handle, although I think I will stay away from pills too, because I have the tendency to eat them like candy. Pot just stays in me too long, makes me feel tired and lethargic and laze about. Which is fun, but having bad effects on my schoolwork, which if you hadn't forgotten (i'm remembering), is why i'm here. and i have a D in biology which is telling me I need to jump on it. Jump on the ball.
Good news, i'm in a better mood today despite being sickly. I'm happy at the moment, more or less. as happy as i can be on my own. whatever that means

the end

so i'm crying right now. for the first time in a few months really. i've been depresed i've been sad but this is the first time it's all come crashing down at once. so much overdue homework. i feel like maybe i don't want to let anyone get close i wish i could feel normal. i know i know what is normal? but normal to me would be not confused about everything and having priorities in order and not procrastinating and not being ugly and not being stupid and not being lazy and not being mean and not having issues i can't take care of myself and not needing to use drugs as an escape. there aren't enough drugs in my world to let me escape. i am lost i am lost no one is looking for me i don't even want to be found i want to die because what is my life who would be sad no one would be sad some would be sad like my mother and possibly my father but everyone else's sadness would be surface sadness and they would say how sad and come to my funeral and say or rather think, how bitter and mean and unappealing i was in life and how they weren't friends with me because there was just something about me that said decay that said don't come near me there was something in my voice that hinted at thoughts of my superiority or how i didn't think they were worth my time and it's true it's so true but i know i'm not superior and i want to think they're worth my time i want to be able to converse with someone i like or want to make a good impression with wihtout freaking out and overthinking it and coming off rude and superior and affected and stupid. i want people to see the real me but there is no real me. i am just a body. i stopped being myself a long time ago and i don't know howto get back and i am lost lost lost. i want to know what to do with my life i want everyone to see i'm a good girl i'm ashamed of my tatoo and my piercing around my family because i don't want them to think that's me but it is but is it? i don't know. i don't regret them but they are just two more random mismatched things ive done to myself in an attempt to fit in. i would love to have friends and to be able to be nice and relatable but i don't know how i am stuck inside my own head i can't relate all i can do is make judgements and be cynical. i am incapable of love. i am incapable of compassion. sometimes i put on a good mask of one or two but it is just that, a mask. abby will not come back over tonight and how can i blame her i am sitting on my bed having a breakdown. emily won't come over cara won't come over jonathan won't come over. anyone i possibly would want to see is far away and unattached to my fucked up self. i wish i was a person i wish i was human i wish i was happy sometimes. i wish i loved someone i wish i wasn't a horrible horrible thing.