cigarettes + sedatives

so i finally started my period today and can i say it feels like all the bitchiness i've had is just flowing or has already flown away. flown is not the correct perfect tense for flowing but i'll be fucked if i know. all the fight in me is just gone. it's not a bad thing. i just feel sedated but i'm not, its how i should be. i hate hormones. i'm sitting here alone on my couch why? cara is supposed to be here abby is supposed to be here. i have some money for cigarettes but will anyone take me to the store? i know what a hassle i am. it has to be taxing. especially since cara and i were out earlier. but i didn't have money then. its just my addiction. all i have left are two half smoked cigarettes. ive only smoked 1.5 cigarettes today since ive been up (130) and its getting to me. how pathetic. how true. it's nice because i am getting my buzz since i can't really smoke as much but its bad because my brain no no really its more my body. i'm fidgety and restless and i'm kind of telling myself i need to go out and have a cigarette unconciouslly. it's strange and unpleasant a little bit. restless. fidgety. on edge. taut. taut nerves. when did i get addicted?

on religion

i don't have a lot of strong beliefs i'm actually horrible about waffling on pretty much every subject there are two opinions about. but. i do NOT regard you as a good christian if you are out fucking, having sex, making love whatever you call it before you are married. also drinking, smoking, etc etc etc. does this make me a hypocrite? i certainly have sex, smoke drink take drugs all of the above. but i never claimed to be a good christian or even really a christian anymore. so no. i don't think it does. i have so many friends and acquaintances especially growing up in a mostly white mostly christian suburb of indiana who are so called "faithful" and spiritual. but these people go to churches where religion is made into a game. its probably because i was raised baptist and like it or not (not) the ideals of my church have rubbed off. not enough for ME to change my lifestyle of course hah but enough for me to see that i am living in sin and to make what i feel is a clear judgement that others are as well. katie, my suitemate whom i love to death, is very spiritual etc etc but has had sex with at least 3 guys i know for sure. i don't think it matters if you are in a committed relationship or not, you can't bend your ideals to suit your lifestyle you need to bend your lifestyle to your ideals. to be a good christian. in my opinion. and i'm by no means a good christian. that's just my little rant

What the HeLL

so emily randomly left today with her sister. i only found out because i went over there at like 10 pm and BONNIE effin told me. getting news from bonnie is not my choice source of info. im over at abby's right now and im sitting in a chair. emily is crasy. she takes things toooooo srsly. honestly i don't know what's going to happen with jonathan after our lengthy facebook to and fro messaging session the other nite. obviously he wants to see katie's tits while technically he's never even seen mine, and im supposed to be helping him do this in exchange for a source of alcohol. its fucked up how this is just another thing to add to the list of stuff he does that should offend me but doens't. oh well. so abby is just standing up in front of the tv. WHY?? idk. one of life's mysteries. i am prettttty stoned still right now. i feel bad b/c now i'm out of bitch mode and i see now how everyone was like starting to hate me. i feel bad but they are just like yeah.... you're a cunt. i want to go back i feel horrid!!! i guess i should probably just stop being a bitch. i feel like such a japanese citizen being awesome cuz i have on crazy orange jacket and blue flip flops and squinty high eyes and im typing a bubble gum pink blog on my laptop out and about in my life. so yeah. life's daily bread. hahahaha. i think i am god and jesus and the holy ghost. why not not not . i want to cut and paste what jonathan said in here about god and life because it was bitter and poignant like i like it:

You have to consider the possibility that God DOES NOT LIKE YOU. He never wanted you. In all probability, he hates you. This is not the worst thing that can happen. Look around this "creation." You really think this is the best a god could do? Use your head. All you will hear in Theology is the ideas of MEN, committees of stuffy old men arguing with one another about the nature of this concept they all call by the title (not name) of "god."

You are a douchebag human being with a monkey's pee brain, with 99% of your DNA the same as a squealing chimp. 99% of all species have died out. The human body doesn't even function well...the organs were adapted to walking on all fours, and today we have back problems because of it. This is not the design of a benign creator. There IS NO CREATION. You don't need an eternal fucked up punk brat tyrant to worship. Existence has always been. How could it have been otherwise? There is no primal cause. Study cosmology or nuclear physics or genetics instead. Far more fascinating and miraculous than any of god's magic tricks. 
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so yes very just you know. i liked it. because, like sylvia plath i like the boot in the face and the brute brute heart of a brute like him yes yes yes yes. i love sylvia plath. anyway. abby is taking a shower and when she's done i am brushing her hair i am excited because ..... i want to brush hair!!!

i will just say this once

i put up this picture of jonathan and i for my profile picture SOLELY because it is a favorable picture of me. and no one on this website will see or care or wonder of its significance. not because i still like him, or wish he wanted to marry me and make babies, or even because i secretly would take him back in a heartbeat if he so wished. NO NO NO. mostly i look good and im wearing my orange jacket and the general time this photo was taken was a good time. i am in cara's bed right now in her dorm in my new new new rainboots. i stole them from my biology class. they are just simple- matte black about half calf length with green soles. i love love them. i love things that i steal/borrow so much more than my own things. it has and probably always will be true. i am discontent with my own things. in case anyone missed it the title of the blog [lifestyles of the poor and unknown] is a reference to the good charlotte song lifestyles of the rich and famous. its yummy because i used to love them and so its like a kickback to that love. before they sold out. they got so much shit for that. like you wouldn't take the opportunity to make bucketfuls of money doing denny's ads if someone asked you. come on! so again im on cara's bed and marian is awake cuz i accidentally woke her up and telling me stories about penis's may or may not falling asleep and continuosly bitching at me because i woke her up. im just sitting here typing laughing merrily because i don't give a damn. honestly im kind of fond of marian in a strange way i think she reminds me of if i ever have one of my future daughters. because she is so much like me the way she acts and is smart in a way some people don't realize and so childish i just feel like she is my descendant or something. its weird. now cara is here and bitching at marian that she has no room. again again this is all cara's fault for making the transition to this dorm. i don't want to hear it. but here i am. and with cara's loud loud voice i will never be able to get to sleep now. aaahhh they are getting so shitty i don't want to deal with it ..........................im OUT

mean girls

so im really angry at cara and abby right now for being bitches. is it funny to confuse me? were they talking about how stupid i am is that whats funny? ohhh great the funny part is i got it right away what confused me is that they both LIED about abby telling cara. HAHAHAHA. good joke. how awesome is my blog. so awesome that i want to post things about how shit my friends are yayyyyyyy. now they are both talking to me on facebook and im NOT HAVING IT. suck on that. whatever. i'm over it. it's cute. how sweet. i would have done the same thing. or would i have? maybe. i don't know i get so CONFUSED when i'm HIGH. which is funny because cara is high as well. hahahahaha ok i really am over it now. sometimes i just need a minute to sulk at life. now i'm just giving shit. which is always fun and confuses everyone. i love love love it. abbbbbyyyyy has been goonnnnneeeee so long she needs to come back asap not at like 7 tomorrow what is that?? actually i have class til pretty much then anyway so it will be fine. i wish i could sleep until 530 every day. i guess i could just drop out of college and DO that. until i ran out of funds for nyquil and probably killed myself due to depression from said lack of nyquil and no job or future. it's late. i have to get up at seven seven seven AM tomorrow. will i smoke another cigarette? maybe. cara cara cara is so funny who else do i know that sings sweet child of mine step brothers style. emily cara emily cara gossip gossip. it just pissed me off about ABBY telling CARA about my BLOG because probably most likely i would "trash talk" aka bitch about, cara an emily in here and this now has put a hindrance in my grand scheme. oh well. love you guys if you're reading this :) haahahah

what a bitch [edit: this is a joke!!]

so you know how sometimes you count on your friends when you are down and out? well i ask abby to help me do my laundry tomorrow. and she said no you're a big girl do it yourself. what the hell. can my life get any worse why do i have no true friends why does everyone do NOTHING for me does she know where im at right now in my life????? and now she just keeps going on about how i can do it myself. why does she have to torment me for asking a simple favor? i do so much for others.... sometimes i feel like its not worth it.... sometimes i feel like taking my life.... *tear*

just wanted to umm have this goin on....

so he was always hot,

especially here obviously. but we know he was also always weird. we KNOW this. people just started giving him shit bout it once he changed his race so to speak, because that was something solid they could call him out on. he is just as hot here.....

as he is here!!! in MY opinion. so yes. yum yum yum.

soo...first blog

so how nice is this font i love it? uh so i told abby that she was a good sharer obviously, because her and her twin brother are still alive. obviously they had to share food. how sweet. it's late ish and i have class tomorrow but really why am i pretending like i will go to bed its not going to happen. i bought marlboro 75's the other day actually yesterday and they fell out of my pocket and are gone forever. how sad. i have money now though so i am not as sad as i should be because it is still like 3.75$ wasted. anyway. blog blog blog