fuck

i faked someone's death today and it got me nowhere. life lesson #1: never ever, ever make yourself dependent on someone else for any emotion. don't let anyone make you sad, or happy. and every emotion in between. it just leads to pain. i have a headache and i'm slightly drunk, so i'm being pretty fucking pessimistic right now. what the fuck is wrong with me. i've done something a few weeks ago even i would have said was pathetic and fucking crazy. and for what? silence. i need to make some serious life choices. am i going to be a child or an adult? am i going to be embittered or rise above that? am i going to keep holding this grudge that is ruining my life? i wanna say nooo no no but it's harder than just saying no. it takes change and people don't change. where the fuck does that leave me. i feel like the absolute worst shit and i just want to die

i got on the dreaded black hole myspace tonight/this morning. the only people that use this anymore are the ones i shouldn't be "friends" with like ian and tara. looking at tara's pictures, her life is so different than mine and yet so the same as these bitches we are all supposed to want to look like. it's like, those two have always been opposite- the freaks and the preps or whatever right? but they are out there in college doing the same things. and i am just 'here' like always. sitting on the sidelines watching. i am 7 on the pH scale. i am neutral. they are 14 and people like nikki and the preppy bitches are 1. why can't i for once fit in with either of them??? i think they are both great fantastic people but here i am stuck in the middle with fucking no one. i guess that is my lot in life so to speak. anyway i got distracted going on a little tangent. the thing is, tara had some pictures of her and dru on there. and just seeing his face takes me right fucking back. he hasn't changed at all. except perhaps he isn't so fresh faced anymore. a little darker somehow. but his smile and all of that is exactly the same. reminding me of just how much i never fit into that crowd. it triggers sad memories of wanting to so badly but never quite being there. anyway. i just feel moments of regret once in a while when i realize the life i'm missing out on. both sides. i would go to either, if i could be accepted somewhere. but i never really am. typing is complicated with fake nails

So I thought I might have been pregnant for a while but I've finally come to accept that my period wanted to be late this month. Fantastic. Feelings: oddly empty. Whatever. I'll get over it. My right kidney has been hurting like nonstop the past 3 days and Emi says I probably have diabetes just like her sister. I don't want to go to health center and get it checked cuz i don't want to deal with that. If i pass out or die so be it. You know. I feel like fuck. There is no way I have enough cigarettes to get thru Wednesday and mom found out about my overdraft fees today. I feel like a sick, spoiled financially incompetent brat. I will never say balancing your checkbook is easy again because it's not. I really need to go to bed.

Tuesday is last day of classes then Thanksgiving break aka a shit ton of time away from everyone. We are all bursting at the seams to get away from one another. It will be nice. No fucking classes. They are starting to get to me especially now that I have more or less been going to all of them. I will have to remember to take my comforter with me because it is always cold at home.

Cynthia fucking texted Jonathan today what the fuck. She wanted to see if he would give her a ride to Vincennes this weekend. What an idiot. She should have asked me first and I would have told her that one he would never do it for her and two he lives like an hour out from here now anyway. He called her back wanting to know who it was and she said Cynthia and he said oh that one girl's roommate. Just being an ass. I hate him. I..................have conflicting emotions but above that my body hurts and I'm sooOOooO tired of it

swine flu!!!! and other unhappy things

so today I find out that someone told my RA about me smoking pot in the room. pretty sure it was cynthia but who knows... idk if she is that good of an actress and she seemed surprised. I am just freaked out. I haven't smoked in a couple weeks, so that is good although pot has a half life in your system of some months so.. and apparently i can be drug tested or have my room searched at any time. Which is no good. I gave emily my pipe and the salvia, just to have that shit out of my possession. But that also presents the new problem of if they search the room they will see sheldon and that will just be more shit to take care of. aaaah. i just hope that my mom doesn't find out about the fact that someone has been alerted of my pot smoking. and i'm happy that my ra is pretty cool about it, and obviously i'm going to stop so hopefully it will just work out.

In other news, i feel like fuck. i have this nasty nasty nasty cough and the past couple days i have just woken up at random times and started hacking up a lung which is what my mom does and it's no good. that combined with the fact i'm literally out of money is pretty good incentive for me to stop/actually cut down on smoking. i'm just tired and bleh. I hope i don't have h1n1 but i probably do. oh well

more fantastic news for today, apparently i overdrew by like eleven dollars on my checking account so now i owe 39.00 and if i don't pay it off in three days it is 8+ dollars a day. and mom just put like 100$ in there like 2 weeks ago. so i was going to not spend money for a while and then tell her i needed more, so it seemed more reasonable, but now i have to tell her i spent it all and have her pay this off. son of a fucking bitch.

and also i have to get 100%s on everything absolutely everything in bio to get a C- by the time the semester is over. FML

and possibly worst of all, i have a distinct feeling i am gaining weight. which is the last thing i need to be doing and i can't deal. everything is tight and i feel bloated and sick and disgusting. and ugly. and FAT. bleh. i will fast.

halloween weeeekend!

So I haven't slept all night, because again Abby was over all nite and whatever. I have to go to bio in bout 2.5 hours which is also the rough amount of time I have to study my bio notes and download some new music to my iPod (hopefully). But that's not what I want to talk about.

This weekend was fucking fantastic and I won't deny it eva eva eva. As long as I live I will look back fondly on this weekend. Mkay.
10/30:
Friday was alright. Abby, Emily, and I stayed up all night at my apartment which was fun because usually Emily doesn't stay over. I drank the rest of my alcohol and we saw some drunk people on the way back from Emily's and we watched Party Monster, etc. Emily passed out on my floor and Abby went home. Right after Abby left, I got on my laptop and found a Facebook event page for the Phi Delt party for Saturday and was like, oh snap. So I send this Jeremy kid a Facebook message asking if I could go and he said yeah and gave me his number so I could get directions. I was pissy at Abby so later I woke Emily up told her he invited me more or less then I called Cara telling her. Me and Emily walk over to Abby's round 130 and tell her and she decides not to go to IU and stay and come to the party with us.

10/31:
Happy Halloween!! Cara rounds us up and takes us to Kohl's to spend some gift card and get a costume perhaps around 630. I am in rare form being all silly and happy and me and Abby are being children chasing each other around etc and we had just calmed down when my phone rings and who in the world should it be but Jonathan. He wants to know if I got him fired from his job and I tell him obviously no and I got the vibe he wanted a fuck but I had better things to do. I just cut it off and hung up (foreshadowing). So anyway I dress up as Michael Jackson, Emily is some kind of masquearde vampire, Cara was an angel and Abby was a gangster. We get there and this party is fucking insane. Crooked cops there keeping the peace and keeping us under the radar, beer and some kind of alcoholic juice out the ass, dance floor and music so loud you couldnt talk, people packed in like sardines. Great. I pretty much did D. all of the above, and got drunk within the first hour or so we were there and was wasted by midnite. Not very sophisticated I know, but hey go big or go home. Sparing a few grisly details, I fell outside once and took Abby with me, I kissed two boys (Preston and Devin) and danced my MJ ass off. I had just found Chase sweet sweet Chase haha when apparently some drunk guys got in a big fight and we all got kicked out. We get back to my apt. and Emily got pissed off and left go figure, Cara passed out on the couch then left and Abby went home.

11/1
Today, or yesterday now I suppose, I woke up around 330(pm) and am kind of being a lazy little hungover girl but I only have one cig left so I call Cara and talk about the party then ask me if she will drive me to get cigs (someone at the party last nite stole half my pack, i swear!) anyway she says something about Katie driving her to Aldi because we are apparently having a dinner party later and I'm like uh ok so I text katie asking her to take me with to get cigs, then Emily shows up here. So me emily, katie and hannah go to aldi and then the gas station. We get back and Cara comes over we are all hanging out, Abby is still sleeping. So everyone is here except Abby and Cynthia who is at some church thing. Anyway I go out to smoke and decide I have a semi legit reason to call Jonathan back and apologize for drunk dialing him last night. hah. So I do and we talk for a freakin half hour and I ask him of course to come over and he wont and I just wasn't even upset I was just like whatever and he's telling me about his job and right before I hang up I'm like ok well when you are interviewing for jobs just be nice be a good boy don't get weird and mysterious like you do just be sociable, etc. So he's like mhm ok and I say bye and he says bye. So I'm thinking that's going to be the end of it and I'm like well whatever at least I got the last word I guess and taking advantage of the fact I wasn't upset surprisingly. So i'm walking back upstairs and into the apt when my "take my breath away" ringtone starts ringing again and i'm like wtf! and it's just like they say, I literally wasn't thinking or hoping at all he would call back why would I ever expect that from him and there his call was. He asks me what we're having for dinner and I tell him and he says he will come over. And he did. And everyone was more or less good about it. Katie and Hannah gently excused themselves to go give food to their respective bf's and when Katie got back she just kind of ignored him and went away to her room. We hung out in my room for about 2 hours or so, the length of Drag me to hell which they all watched. We talked about stupid things and mostly I just did things for him and he held my head in his hand and I just didn't even feel awkward really because I honestly didn't care as I did before, I wanted him for sex and I got it and yeah. Then it was over and Cara didn't want to walk home because it was so cold and late so I was like "hey jonathan, will you take cara home she doesn't want to walk" and he said yes and did it and i came along not because i was clingy but because cara asked me to come and i did and he came back to my apt and im like are you coming back up and he thought about it for a minute and said no its late already past midnite and i said alright well thank you for taking cara home and returning me safely and he said something like yes and i said mkay bye and he said bye and i skipped upstairs and i looked down and he is looking at me so i give him a little circle wave and he waves and doesn't move so i just wave again and kind of hop and put my foot up and then go inside. and in the bedroom, he said something. he mentioned since he has met me he has seen 4 or 5 girls with my "little button nose. but..." but WHAT? they don't look as cute? idk. but i am loving it! mmmm!!now i have to work on my freakin bio f f f f f!!! it's going to be a long next 4.5 more hours!!

so many woooordsss

so for once, as emily would say, I am going to wear my heart on my sleeve. More or less. No deep dark secrets. But I am going to say exactly what I feel, no allusions, no cloudy references, no awkward thoughts of protecting whoever may or may not read it. Fuck them. What a nice little preface, I know.

At the moment, I feel tired and depressed and thoughts are building in my head like they do right before I cry but I probably won't cry. I usually don't let myself go like that. I so love crying though it is the best feeling almost an orgasmic release. I am in such an optimistic mood after I cry, I really go to town and get it all out. Abby and I went over to check on Emily, which I'm pretty sure was Abby's excuse to go talk to Bonnie about coming to this party Bonnie was going to tonight because Emily was asleep on the couch and Abby didn't even take a second fucking look at her.

We go in Emily/Bonnie's room and there is Bonnie and Abby sits down right away flattering flattering her like a good little bitch trying to finagle her way into something. Bonnie wasn't really having it though. idk I can't read social situations for shit, perhaps Abby wasn't subtly asking and perhaps Bonnie wasn't subtly saying no. Anyway I have no problem talking to Bonnie, or anyone. I don't really know what it is. I ............hmm. I think for one I am jealous of Bonnie for being pretty and being independent and having things work out for her, whereas I am not pretty and I have no confidence to be independent. And I will admit, I am jealous of her. She's sweet she's cute she's nice I get it. I shouldn't resent her for being alive and being herself but I am. I am jealous envious all of those nasty words.

And I am jealous that Abby has SOO many friends and I feel like she is always rubbing it in my fucking face. We went to the same high school, we grew with the same people but look at her and look at me. Yes I get it. I get it. And she hates it here because it's SOO boring and basically we are SOO boring and we're not the right kind of people to keep her entertained she needs her old friends and big parties and alcohol and we aren't good enough blah blah. And I can't even deal with it because she is the only person I can even stomach hanging out with right now. She wants popularity. Which who am I kidding, I want it too. I can't talk though. I am a defect. I have a defect. I have no self. I am empty. And it honestly offends me that while we are sitting in Bonnie/Emily's room, they are talking and I am just sitting there holding my egg and they are talking about these things I have never been a part of and Abby just asks Bonnie to go to IU with her. What is that? When has she ever asked Emily or Cara or me to come? I am just so tired of all the people I had to deal with for middle school and high school and I love being away from Plainfield and all those people who saw too much of what I was what I am and she is just a constant reminder, talking about all the people I never fit in with

I was so good the first few weeks, so happy on my little cloud and Jonathan, and I felt like things were different and I was needed and wanted and different changed new etc. Then reality set in and I don't know how to change my reality to make myself happy and it depresses me it seems like I always come back to the same things when I am depressed it is always the same things that bring me down. I wish I could talk to people without using big words and seeming superior and I wish I wasn't so self-concious about everything. I don't seem self concious probably, but I am. Without someone or a group with me, I can't talk to people one on one. Even someone I am friends with. I want to think of things to say but I get nervous and I say random things or I say bitchy things and I don't even know how to explain it but I feel this pressure a really big pressure to say the right thing which, what is the right thing? But it is never what I say. And so I come off bitchy and obnoxious and stupid and pretentious probably. I don't know. Sometimes I just hate myself for that. I don't know how to change so the only people I end up being friends with are these people who get my awkwardness more or less, like Emily and Cara. Probably because they have had someone in their life who is like me, i would guess, so they understand me to an extent. Or maybe they hate and resent me like I do them, and they have just settled in this depressing routine as I have. I aspire for better things but I will never have them. For so many reasons. This makes me want to give up and kill myself or just drop out of school and hitchhike somewhere and live by myself. I can't really survive without people, but I'm so good at being by myself.

Also I think the only reason that Abby and I have been getting along so well is because I am laying the effort on really thick to umm perhaps the word is flatter her because she is the only one who isn't getting on my last fucking nerve and it's because she doesn't expect anything from me it's because she is only here in passing it's because she could leave tomorrow and not even look back and I am fucked up and that is the type of person I gravitate towards because I have abandonment issues i know i know it's no good but it's the truth and so I attach and I cling and surprise they leave and I get hurt. And she is putting up with me, because I am being so flattering and such an entertaining friend and I'm laughing at her jokes which is honestly what she wants, to feel liked and to have people affirm she is funny.

And in all honesty, Cara and Emily are the ones I should be gravitating towards because they actually care about me but instead I am isolating them. That's life I guess, fucked up fucked up fucked up. Oh yeah, and I smashed the egg

[boringg]

mm. so i'm in my living room, nested. abby left about an hour ago. i was falling asleep and now i'm awake and watching american beauty. I love the soundtrack to this movie and just the plot and storyline in general. It's a great film. i am happy, because tomorrow I have no class. And I have no class on Tuesdays until November 9th. which means there is one more Tuesday of no class. Oh the movie has just gotten to the part where Kevin Spacey is shot. It's a beautiful movie. brilliant. brillllliant.
Today was a reasonably good day. I slept slept slept in and skipped biology (and unwittingly skipped my new p.e. clas which had started today). I had a quiz in History, so i forced myself up and onto that class. I talked to my teacher and she said I can turn in my late yet very important essay Wednesday with more or less no penalty. huzzah. Then I went to the library and dear Cara let me use her flex money to print out my papers for English, but when I went to English Mrs. Goodloe had cancelled class today. yay.
I had my strange muscle aches that i get once in a while today, pretty bad. They start in my knees, and the pain sort of radiates up and down my legs. Same for my elbows, and I had a headache all day. Later on we ate, then abby cara and i went to Emily's flag football game and WalMart, and then the four of us and Cynthia were at my apt, and we were down at Cara's friends apartment, who was very interesting and cool but I started feeling horrid which was strange because i had felt better for a while so I said something and went upstairs. I went to get some ibuprofen and as soon as i swallowed them I just got the urge to hurl and hurl i did. mostly dry heaving that made my eyes and throat sore. everything i had eaten was digested. I don't know.
Later on Emily and I smoked salvia while abby chilled with us, and then emi went home and abby and i started american beauty, now here we are. the credits are playing. I am hot.
I have made myself a flimsy promise not to smoke pot for a while. Alcohol and pills I can handle, although I think I will stay away from pills too, because I have the tendency to eat them like candy. Pot just stays in me too long, makes me feel tired and lethargic and laze about. Which is fun, but having bad effects on my schoolwork, which if you hadn't forgotten (i'm remembering), is why i'm here. and i have a D in biology which is telling me I need to jump on it. Jump on the ball.
Good news, i'm in a better mood today despite being sickly. I'm happy at the moment, more or less. as happy as i can be on my own. whatever that means

the end

so i'm crying right now. for the first time in a few months really. i've been depresed i've been sad but this is the first time it's all come crashing down at once. so much overdue homework. i feel like maybe i don't want to let anyone get close i wish i could feel normal. i know i know what is normal? but normal to me would be not confused about everything and having priorities in order and not procrastinating and not being ugly and not being stupid and not being lazy and not being mean and not having issues i can't take care of myself and not needing to use drugs as an escape. there aren't enough drugs in my world to let me escape. i am lost i am lost no one is looking for me i don't even want to be found i want to die because what is my life who would be sad no one would be sad some would be sad like my mother and possibly my father but everyone else's sadness would be surface sadness and they would say how sad and come to my funeral and say or rather think, how bitter and mean and unappealing i was in life and how they weren't friends with me because there was just something about me that said decay that said don't come near me there was something in my voice that hinted at thoughts of my superiority or how i didn't think they were worth my time and it's true it's so true but i know i'm not superior and i want to think they're worth my time i want to be able to converse with someone i like or want to make a good impression with wihtout freaking out and overthinking it and coming off rude and superior and affected and stupid. i want people to see the real me but there is no real me. i am just a body. i stopped being myself a long time ago and i don't know howto get back and i am lost lost lost. i want to know what to do with my life i want everyone to see i'm a good girl i'm ashamed of my tatoo and my piercing around my family because i don't want them to think that's me but it is but is it? i don't know. i don't regret them but they are just two more random mismatched things ive done to myself in an attempt to fit in. i would love to have friends and to be able to be nice and relatable but i don't know how i am stuck inside my own head i can't relate all i can do is make judgements and be cynical. i am incapable of love. i am incapable of compassion. sometimes i put on a good mask of one or two but it is just that, a mask. abby will not come back over tonight and how can i blame her i am sitting on my bed having a breakdown. emily won't come over cara won't come over jonathan won't come over. anyone i possibly would want to see is far away and unattached to my fucked up self. i wish i was a person i wish i was human i wish i was happy sometimes. i wish i loved someone i wish i wasn't a horrible horrible thing.

self-denial

so abby was here at the apartment until about seven this morning. No comment. I have not been asleep all night and I feel fine. There is this tea, called Morning Thunder that is more or less crack in a cup and I am awake. I'm not AWAKE but i'm certainly awake. I want to keep drinking and see how far I can push myself. I think I am developing real problems. I think I have had real problems for a long time, hidden inside, and I am beginning like so many pumpkins to rot from the inside out. I am repeatedly in my head going back to the time mere months ago when I was sneaking out every night to hang out with Ash and Ethan and smoke smoke smoke. It was such a thrill and such fun. And Zach. Awkward Zach and A+E trying to set up awkward Zach and me. And smoking. smoking. In Ashley's driveway at 3, 4, then 5 in the morning. Watching numbly as things fell down around me. Becoming even more lethargic. Tricking myself into thinking I meant something because I was smoking weed and hanging out with a boy. Telling myself that was what I wanted in life, regardless of the fact the weed was shit and I was already out of money. Then I got arrested and it all broke open and spilled out like candy from a pinata. Then my 'dry spell' for the three months before my freshman year in college. As soon as I got off of probation I ran to Blake absolutely ran to him, to get the weed. To get what I desperately (cautiously, I told myself) wanted to get back into. At first it was alright, maybe once a week or something. In fact I didn't smoke any of it the first few weeks I was too lonely. Then I met Emily and Cara, two other girls trying to prove something to themselves. And here I am now. It feels like a lot. I am taking pills again, on and off. I am smoking so much pot and I am flailing. I don't tell myself to stop because I have some kind of unconcious (it's surfacing) death wish. I always take things a step further than others. I am always the one to go there, to do that. To say that, to be the one to call something out. Do I seem ruthless? Do I seem brave? Do I seem stupid? Whatever. I can't see myself and we've all thought we're everything at one point

macncheese

i'm high. and cynthia talked me and emily into walking to emi's apt to get milk to make macaroni and cheese. she makes it and sets out 4 bowls for me emily abby and herself, because abby wanted some. so we get our bowls and i go into katie's room and katie is like give me a bite and i reach one up to her and she's like give me another bigger bite and i get a huge forkful and have to keep the bowl under it b/c pieces are falling off and i reach up there and she takes my bowl of mac and cheese. That bitch. I am high with munchies already irritated b/c she is making me share, and she won't give it back. i put a little force behind it and she wouldn't let go so i knew if i kept on it it was going to go errywhere. anyway i just let go and i'm like a little pissed but i don't know if its going to be an overreaction to get all out pissy so i'm just like fine whatev and i'm like "fine just take it!" in a playish voice i guess and i start walking out and i turn around and throw the fork at her and it hits the wall pretty hard and hannah is like aah and i'm like srsly just take it! and i go out and lay on the couch. it kind of freaks me out because usually i don't get that angry bout shit but that just set me off, perhaps because of the dishwashing thing earlier and cuz im high, but that's what worries me... is that how i act? is that what i'm becoming? ah. idk. i'm so high and we are going to wally world with cynthia.

dishess

exact facebook conversation between cynthia and i:
--------------------------------------------

Cynthia

well if I get my bio homework done before health I will be going back and sleeping, since I didn't sleep last night

oh yeah if you go back any time soon you need to wash all the dishes, except mine

10:13amShannon

says who

10:14amCynthia

Katie, and if you do it today you won't have to listen to her telling you to do them every day

plus there really isn't much to wash, it is only bowls and silverware
------------------------------------------------------------------

i text katie and ask her, what did you say to cynthia about me doing the dishes and she calls me and sounds all askew, backtracking saying what what and anyway i read the convo to her and she's like well yeah hannah and i were talking and she overheard, etc. etc. so basically yes that is what was said but she didn't expect cynthia to tell me. anyway basically she is being anal and i'm being lazy. whatev.

coffee

so i haven't slept for literally 24 hours now which won't get me into the guinness book of world records, but which is a personal accomplishment. I'm really just so exhausted. My brain is slow and murky but my body is fast and fidgety and my resting heart rate (on average as of earlier) is 105. what the eff. i am at the apartment now after a scary trip to the UC with cara to eat lunch. we had sooo much coffee. and weed. and more coffee. then a lil more weed. anyway we met katie mallory and mark there and had brunch. then me n cara got starbucks (i should say i got starbucks,  cara didn't get anything-mine = pumpkin spice latte w/ 6 shots of espresso) anyway i am about to have a heart attack from the neck down and my brain is about to go into a coma. we went over to try n wake abby up but that was ages ago. anyway i come home and i'm in the living room i pick up cara and i's huge mess from the night last night previous night when we sat in here and ate coffee grounds for hours and did random shit and here i was trying to do my h/w when cynthia who is in my room texts me saying just fyi katie has mark in the bedroom with her. then i'm like oh ok. then like 15 seconds later katie's door locks and more or less i heard panting noises and cloths being removed noises and i am like deeply disturbed. i got like a 1/81th of what i needed to get done done, but honestly that threw off what little concentration i had and then it was facebook and here to write another blog its like heroin i just can't stop. anyway anyway oh god i'm going to go attempt to lie down. i will probably die of either a. a heart attack or b. a long term coma. either way shit's goin down and i don't give a fuck as long as i'm unconcious as soon as possible.

choices choices choices

so it is 10:32 pm right now. cara, abby, cynthia, katie and i are in my living room of the apartment. cara is skyping her friend chad who she has a crush on sort of and blah blah.we watched borat and now we are watching spice world, anyway normal night normal night. boring ish. then at 9:56pm jonathan david finch texts me for the first time in weeeeeeks at least a few asking "how's my little princess doing?" and i freak. and i ask everyone what i should say and tell them and they all have the basic reaction of no just ignore it leave it alone. but of course i never listen to reason and i text him back. after the general consensus of noo ing me i have enough free will and brain of my own to text him back, but i am a bitch (that is the taint of my friends on my thoughts) and i say "well i don't know how your princess is, but i'm alright." or something of that general response. andddd it's bout been an hour and he never texted back. what what what. we facebook chatted and i thought he well it seemed as though he acknowledged me as a thinking being. meh. whatever. probably one of my delusions of grandeur! can i say i'm just mellow as can be at the moment. i am so happy i am bleeding out of my lady parts. my mood. maybe its just like a placebo to me, the fact it's finally started. that would be appropriate seeing as i'm a pillhead, that things are placebos to me. yes. anyway anyway anyway. i just want him to text me back. but if he doesn't. i'll live. " you've never really expressed such appreciation for my godhood as long as I was present. " that is something he said to me and i go and text him something bitchy. why if i ever wanted him back would i do that? its not like i am a fucked up housewife of an abusive husband making excuses for him being a dick. i am fully aware that quote is unreasonable. but i agree. and i want him to be god to me. if he would treat me like a fucking disciple i would treat him like god. but. he doesn't so why should i? i'm as close as the end of this blog to texting him again more or less begging him to text me back. something that begs for a response. something that will capture his attention and make him interested in me. something that will win him over? something something something that will change both of us into the perfect couple. yeah. right

cigarettes + sedatives

so i finally started my period today and can i say it feels like all the bitchiness i've had is just flowing or has already flown away. flown is not the correct perfect tense for flowing but i'll be fucked if i know. all the fight in me is just gone. it's not a bad thing. i just feel sedated but i'm not, its how i should be. i hate hormones. i'm sitting here alone on my couch why? cara is supposed to be here abby is supposed to be here. i have some money for cigarettes but will anyone take me to the store? i know what a hassle i am. it has to be taxing. especially since cara and i were out earlier. but i didn't have money then. its just my addiction. all i have left are two half smoked cigarettes. ive only smoked 1.5 cigarettes today since ive been up (130) and its getting to me. how pathetic. how true. it's nice because i am getting my buzz since i can't really smoke as much but its bad because my brain no no really its more my body. i'm fidgety and restless and i'm kind of telling myself i need to go out and have a cigarette unconciouslly. it's strange and unpleasant a little bit. restless. fidgety. on edge. taut. taut nerves. when did i get addicted?

on religion

i don't have a lot of strong beliefs i'm actually horrible about waffling on pretty much every subject there are two opinions about. but. i do NOT regard you as a good christian if you are out fucking, having sex, making love whatever you call it before you are married. also drinking, smoking, etc etc etc. does this make me a hypocrite? i certainly have sex, smoke drink take drugs all of the above. but i never claimed to be a good christian or even really a christian anymore. so no. i don't think it does. i have so many friends and acquaintances especially growing up in a mostly white mostly christian suburb of indiana who are so called "faithful" and spiritual. but these people go to churches where religion is made into a game. its probably because i was raised baptist and like it or not (not) the ideals of my church have rubbed off. not enough for ME to change my lifestyle of course hah but enough for me to see that i am living in sin and to make what i feel is a clear judgement that others are as well. katie, my suitemate whom i love to death, is very spiritual etc etc but has had sex with at least 3 guys i know for sure. i don't think it matters if you are in a committed relationship or not, you can't bend your ideals to suit your lifestyle you need to bend your lifestyle to your ideals. to be a good christian. in my opinion. and i'm by no means a good christian. that's just my little rant

What the HeLL

so emily randomly left today with her sister. i only found out because i went over there at like 10 pm and BONNIE effin told me. getting news from bonnie is not my choice source of info. im over at abby's right now and im sitting in a chair. emily is crasy. she takes things toooooo srsly. honestly i don't know what's going to happen with jonathan after our lengthy facebook to and fro messaging session the other nite. obviously he wants to see katie's tits while technically he's never even seen mine, and im supposed to be helping him do this in exchange for a source of alcohol. its fucked up how this is just another thing to add to the list of stuff he does that should offend me but doens't. oh well. so abby is just standing up in front of the tv. WHY?? idk. one of life's mysteries. i am prettttty stoned still right now. i feel bad b/c now i'm out of bitch mode and i see now how everyone was like starting to hate me. i feel bad but they are just like yeah.... you're a cunt. i want to go back i feel horrid!!! i guess i should probably just stop being a bitch. i feel like such a japanese citizen being awesome cuz i have on crazy orange jacket and blue flip flops and squinty high eyes and im typing a bubble gum pink blog on my laptop out and about in my life. so yeah. life's daily bread. hahahaha. i think i am god and jesus and the holy ghost. why not not not . i want to cut and paste what jonathan said in here about god and life because it was bitter and poignant like i like it:

You have to consider the possibility that God DOES NOT LIKE YOU. He never wanted you. In all probability, he hates you. This is not the worst thing that can happen. Look around this "creation." You really think this is the best a god could do? Use your head. All you will hear in Theology is the ideas of MEN, committees of stuffy old men arguing with one another about the nature of this concept they all call by the title (not name) of "god."

You are a douchebag human being with a monkey's pee brain, with 99% of your DNA the same as a squealing chimp. 99% of all species have died out. The human body doesn't even function well...the organs were adapted to walking on all fours, and today we have back problems because of it. This is not the design of a benign creator. There IS NO CREATION. You don't need an eternal fucked up punk brat tyrant to worship. Existence has always been. How could it have been otherwise? There is no primal cause. Study cosmology or nuclear physics or genetics instead. Far more fascinating and miraculous than any of god's magic tricks. 
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so yes very just you know. i liked it. because, like sylvia plath i like the boot in the face and the brute brute heart of a brute like him yes yes yes yes. i love sylvia plath. anyway. abby is taking a shower and when she's done i am brushing her hair i am excited because ..... i want to brush hair!!!

i will just say this once

i put up this picture of jonathan and i for my profile picture SOLELY because it is a favorable picture of me. and no one on this website will see or care or wonder of its significance. not because i still like him, or wish he wanted to marry me and make babies, or even because i secretly would take him back in a heartbeat if he so wished. NO NO NO. mostly i look good and im wearing my orange jacket and the general time this photo was taken was a good time. i am in cara's bed right now in her dorm in my new new new rainboots. i stole them from my biology class. they are just simple- matte black about half calf length with green soles. i love love them. i love things that i steal/borrow so much more than my own things. it has and probably always will be true. i am discontent with my own things. in case anyone missed it the title of the blog [lifestyles of the poor and unknown] is a reference to the good charlotte song lifestyles of the rich and famous. its yummy because i used to love them and so its like a kickback to that love. before they sold out. they got so much shit for that. like you wouldn't take the opportunity to make bucketfuls of money doing denny's ads if someone asked you. come on! so again im on cara's bed and marian is awake cuz i accidentally woke her up and telling me stories about penis's may or may not falling asleep and continuosly bitching at me because i woke her up. im just sitting here typing laughing merrily because i don't give a damn. honestly im kind of fond of marian in a strange way i think she reminds me of if i ever have one of my future daughters. because she is so much like me the way she acts and is smart in a way some people don't realize and so childish i just feel like she is my descendant or something. its weird. now cara is here and bitching at marian that she has no room. again again this is all cara's fault for making the transition to this dorm. i don't want to hear it. but here i am. and with cara's loud loud voice i will never be able to get to sleep now. aaahhh they are getting so shitty i don't want to deal with it ..........................im OUT

mean girls

so im really angry at cara and abby right now for being bitches. is it funny to confuse me? were they talking about how stupid i am is that whats funny? ohhh great the funny part is i got it right away what confused me is that they both LIED about abby telling cara. HAHAHAHA. good joke. how awesome is my blog. so awesome that i want to post things about how shit my friends are yayyyyyyy. now they are both talking to me on facebook and im NOT HAVING IT. suck on that. whatever. i'm over it. it's cute. how sweet. i would have done the same thing. or would i have? maybe. i don't know i get so CONFUSED when i'm HIGH. which is funny because cara is high as well. hahahahaha ok i really am over it now. sometimes i just need a minute to sulk at life. now i'm just giving shit. which is always fun and confuses everyone. i love love love it. abbbbbyyyyy has been goonnnnneeeee so long she needs to come back asap not at like 7 tomorrow what is that?? actually i have class til pretty much then anyway so it will be fine. i wish i could sleep until 530 every day. i guess i could just drop out of college and DO that. until i ran out of funds for nyquil and probably killed myself due to depression from said lack of nyquil and no job or future. it's late. i have to get up at seven seven seven AM tomorrow. will i smoke another cigarette? maybe. cara cara cara is so funny who else do i know that sings sweet child of mine step brothers style. emily cara emily cara gossip gossip. it just pissed me off about ABBY telling CARA about my BLOG because probably most likely i would "trash talk" aka bitch about, cara an emily in here and this now has put a hindrance in my grand scheme. oh well. love you guys if you're reading this :) haahahah

what a bitch [edit: this is a joke!!]

so you know how sometimes you count on your friends when you are down and out? well i ask abby to help me do my laundry tomorrow. and she said no you're a big girl do it yourself. what the hell. can my life get any worse why do i have no true friends why does everyone do NOTHING for me does she know where im at right now in my life????? and now she just keeps going on about how i can do it myself. why does she have to torment me for asking a simple favor? i do so much for others.... sometimes i feel like its not worth it.... sometimes i feel like taking my life.... *tear*

just wanted to umm have this goin on....

so he was always hot,

especially here obviously. but we know he was also always weird. we KNOW this. people just started giving him shit bout it once he changed his race so to speak, because that was something solid they could call him out on. he is just as hot here.....

as he is here!!! in MY opinion. so yes. yum yum yum.

soo...first blog

so how nice is this font i love it? uh so i told abby that she was a good sharer obviously, because her and her twin brother are still alive. obviously they had to share food. how sweet. it's late ish and i have class tomorrow but really why am i pretending like i will go to bed its not going to happen. i bought marlboro 75's the other day actually yesterday and they fell out of my pocket and are gone forever. how sad. i have money now though so i am not as sad as i should be because it is still like 3.75$ wasted. anyway. blog blog blog