fuck

i faked someone's death today and it got me nowhere. life lesson #1: never ever, ever make yourself dependent on someone else for any emotion. don't let anyone make you sad, or happy. and every emotion in between. it just leads to pain. i have a headache and i'm slightly drunk, so i'm being pretty fucking pessimistic right now. what the fuck is wrong with me. i've done something a few weeks ago even i would have said was pathetic and fucking crazy. and for what? silence. i need to make some serious life choices. am i going to be a child or an adult? am i going to be embittered or rise above that? am i going to keep holding this grudge that is ruining my life? i wanna say nooo no no but it's harder than just saying no. it takes change and people don't change. where the fuck does that leave me. i feel like the absolute worst shit and i just want to die

i got on the dreaded black hole myspace tonight/this morning. the only people that use this anymore are the ones i shouldn't be "friends" with like ian and tara. looking at tara's pictures, her life is so different than mine and yet so the same as these bitches we are all supposed to want to look like. it's like, those two have always been opposite- the freaks and the preps or whatever right? but they are out there in college doing the same things. and i am just 'here' like always. sitting on the sidelines watching. i am 7 on the pH scale. i am neutral. they are 14 and people like nikki and the preppy bitches are 1. why can't i for once fit in with either of them??? i think they are both great fantastic people but here i am stuck in the middle with fucking no one. i guess that is my lot in life so to speak. anyway i got distracted going on a little tangent. the thing is, tara had some pictures of her and dru on there. and just seeing his face takes me right fucking back. he hasn't changed at all. except perhaps he isn't so fresh faced anymore. a little darker somehow. but his smile and all of that is exactly the same. reminding me of just how much i never fit into that crowd. it triggers sad memories of wanting to so badly but never quite being there. anyway. i just feel moments of regret once in a while when i realize the life i'm missing out on. both sides. i would go to either, if i could be accepted somewhere. but i never really am. typing is complicated with fake nails